the other day, i got judged - "seems like a balanced soul but imbalanced by something devastating" - "the child in me is dead n that's how the imbalance has come in to surface...!! "

when i profoundly carry off my imbalanced soul on my shoulders as for me being imbalanced is being hopeless which is quite perfect....is it wrong being this way? do i need to start working towards getting balance back?? is it not for the nature to do it if i've to get there.....walk me to the path which leads me there?

the black is widening...occupying the more white i was...or is it the other way....

ouch....it hurts!!

What i read yesterday was like an itch on an old wound, it had just started to heal and i scratched it!! its all foggy and misty in the lands of my heart - covered with her thoughts - i get disorderly obsessed when ever such thing has happened, falling in love has always been painfully sweet, only i would know what's up with me!! i get the urge to stalk, to possess, to attain, to captivate, the person i love - just the way i would be captured, i would want her to be captured by me!!

i'm feeling the same way for her now....world gets drowned n only she rocks - god bless me, i know this too will pass leaving me with this relief of being there, having felt!! but till then....i'm so fucked...arghhhhhhhhhhh :(

An owl feeling out of space in night!!

Last night, I had to live thru this long lonely haunting darkness, more so with in myself – this happened to me after a long long time!! Brida, veronica, Paulo Coelho, Osho, Vivekananda – nobody came to my rescue – I’d to fight it myself which was very hard. I was crying because I had not felt so miserable, like these thumping thoughts in my head, I had eye full of sleep but connection between sleep and eyes was not clicking somehow – I was so hot one second and cold the very next second.
Free spirited life I want to live – travelling globe not worrying about who is holding the fort back home (the fort concept is also dissolving in my brain somehow) - few threads which I’m not able to cut off fully - Job, Parents, Friendships, relationships, my madness to trade security for excitement, New York v/s Noida – They all were making so much noise – noise of laughter, cry, heated discussion, thoughts fighting amongst themselves - I closed my ears and eyes very hard - suddenly I felt that the spirit from my body leaving me n watching this body lying down suffering to fight haunting thoughts, crying….finally spirit became the air around, air there in the sky - I felt I was floating –I felt so relieved, sleep and mind shook hands.

strange...

Anybody in love, look so beautiful – in pain or in happiness, they look so full of glow, so full of joy, so full of craziness which I adore to the core!!
I feel this very uncomfortable but sweet emotion when I come across a couple in love – I have not understood that it so far – do I feel jealous or amazed – I would not know. I’m strange!!

Another face!!

Whenever any of my loved ones tells me that he or she has met somebody who is just like me, and when he/she tells me that I should meet that person for I would love them equally!! My first reaction will be “no way I’m meeting him/her”….why is that? I wonder a lot, when the connections are widening because of love, I should be happy but I usually am not!! I feel threatened of something which I cant understand – may be fear of losing on competition – but lately, I’ve realized there is no such thing as competition, each of us in our systems have a place which cant be replaced – just appreciating, welcoming the new connections is all we can do – if we despair, then there would be nothing but negative moments which causes disharmony in the system. But again, if that’s what is to happen how can we stop it, as my belief goes, nothing happens here without a cause, so if my anguish, insecurity is here to stay thru which I may be conceived as a negative entity or may be as someone who cant be remembered fondly – then that’s how it will be!! Here how I’m…!!

another u n me..!!

Can't have another me in my own life - but the way "time" works - we grow similar over the years, influence each other in more than many ways - that is when we usually depart ways!!

truth lies here, i cant have another "me" neither do i "want" to have another you...so i'm left with none most of the times!

i've a lot to travel yet....i'm still on the surface of so many things!! i caused a heart ache today, a heart which meant world to me for a very long time, a heart which still means very special to me, a heart which has so much compassion to offer to the world around, a heart which knows nothing but spreading love, a heart which still beats for me in its purest form.

i caused so much hurt - my randomness, worldlessness, my evolution has gotten me in to this...how do i believe it to be right n correct - when i cant accept the fact that even those hearts which felt crazily for me can go on without me...letting go is a problem with me n expect i should be set free.........how selfish of me...how surfaced i feel!!! i'm so annoyed with my ownself....

whatever!!!

what am i here for anyways? most of the times most of us live on the surface of feelings, emotions!!! why do we scare getting deeper in to things...just so that we protect ourselves from the forthcoming scars of the wound when feelings leave us...?? why do"feelings completed"cant be taken as "lived, felt" than "left, wounded"?? i cant understand this. as a matter fact, my small brain tells me that feelings never leave completely, they always have the "touched - made difference" effect...always!!
why do i feel like an alien amongst most places i walk around these days....i almost feel belong to the sense of non-belongingness!! only few of us had formed a nice good system and we exploded, shattered and scattered to form our own systems - leaving me with this deep happily consumed sorrow!!

Horrible...

It is too horrible.....the white in me is blackening and the black is intact....!! grey shade is shining and smiling....capturing....